Silly Sunday!

A friend of mine recently wrote a post on Facebook making fun of women who take selfies. In response, I decided to take a selfie while lying in bed reading a book and post it in his comment box. Prior to my friend’s selfie post, I had never taken a selfie. Now, I think they’re so fun, I take at least one a week!

Today’s challenge: Take a selfie without trying to look good and post it in the comments or on your Facebook page. Don’t take yourself too seriously, nobody else does.

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Beware The Line Cutter!

I was waiting in line for about 15 minutes and when it was my turn, a woman cut right in front of me. I said, “Excuse me, I’m next in line.” She turned around and stared at me blankly. I wondered if she heard me so I repeated myself and let her know that I had been waiting and would like to get my ass out of there. “I’ve been waiting too.” She said. “There are two lines.” Now, I got there when my line was the only line and I don’t know when or why the second one was started. What I do know is she hadn’t been waiting in line THAT long (because the people in my line didn’t even realize a second line had been formed until she cut me). I got irritated and said, “Well, you’re the one that decided to make your own damn line when this one (I pointed down) was already established. Now you’re gonna have to wait.” As soon as I spoke those words I regretted it. My blood pressure rose and I could feel my face get hot with embarrassment. She stepped aside and let me go on ahead of her. I got out of there as quickly as I could and didn’t look back…

I thought to myself, “Oh, Amber… why do you have to be so mean?!” *face palm*

How would you have handled that? What could I have done differently?

Holiday Packages From Me To You!

Dear blog family,

I am making holiday packages for each and every one of you! I have so many people to send packages to that I’d like to get started now. If you would like to receive some old school snail mail from moi, please email, call, or text me your mailing address so that I can get your package to you before Christmas! Happy holidays!

amberatevalu@gmail.com or (323) 505-9209 (Google Voice number)

Don’t Smooch The Mooch!

In talking with friends about relationships, the subject of “women who mooch” came up. My male friends asked me if I knew any women like that. I told them that I used to be that woman. They couldn’t believe it because I’m so independent today. I reminded them that my independence came later in life because of my sober lifestyle and the desperation for self respect and self sufficiency, not in spite of doing nothing to change.

There is nothing more attractive, in my opinion, than people who think of the needs of others and take action to live selflessly. We are not saints and we will fail at living selflessly over and over again, but it’s obvious when we’re working toward selflessness as opposed to living a life of “what about me?”.

Here’s a question: if you’re only dating women who you believe to be “mooches”, would you be open to the thought that maybe you’re one of them or that you practice behavior of similar caliber? We’ve all heard the phrase “like attracts like”, right? I mean, we can point fingers all we want but what good is that if the result is unhappiness?

If you’re a man who wants to stop meeting moochie girls, here are a few suggestions from the biggest ex mooch of them all (me):

• Quit dating and sleeping with party girls. Duh!
• Date women who are wise with the money they earn. If they’re wise with their own money, they will be considerate of yours (because they understand the value in investing as opposed to foolish spending).
• Stop spending all of your money on dates, find free things to do instead (you’ll weed out the mooches indefinitely).
• Go out with women who read for pleasure.
• Do volunteer work.
• Quit dating unemployed girls who don’t have their own place! Another duh!
• Listen to how she talks about people. Is she nasty? If so, she is probably a selfish, hateful person and you should run for your life!
• Date a woman who can throw down in the kitchen. She will want to cook for you and when she cooks for you, you’ll save money on dinner.
• Date a low-maintenance girl. Don’t ask, just do it.

Any thoughts? 

The Freaks Come Out At Night

I’ve been lying in bed all day, sipping my homemade spicy chicken broth and watching Tales From The Crypt. Once the sun started going down, I got out of bed and walked to the store to grab a tasty beverage (I don’t usually keep anything but water in my home).

I slept on my left side and now my left hip feels bruised, which is causing me to walk with a limp. I didn’t shower and my hair is thrown up in a messy bun. No, not like a sexy messy bun, like a homeless messy bun. I’m wearing an oversized dark grey sweatshirt that hangs off the shoulder and a pink flowy skirt with flip flops.

On my walk home, my flip flop broke, which exacerbated my limp. I have my beverage in a bag and I’m moaning and groaning
as I walk past passersby. I looked like a wreck! One woman even clutched her boyfriend’s arm tighter at the sight of me.

Happy Halloween, everybody. I didn’t even have to dress up to scare people.

Just For Laughs

On Friday, I put a fake gold nose ring in because I prefer gold to silver. By Saturday, the pierced nostril got infected. By Sunday, my nostril was too swollen to take the ring out. By this morning, puss oozed everywhere and there was a layer of crust around the hole.

My nostril hurt so bad that I stayed in bed most of the day. A girl friend offered to come by with her wire cutters and cut the ring out, but she wasn’t going to be available to do so until this evening. I prayed I wouldn’t have to wait that long.

Now as my luck would have it, a cute boy stopped by my apartment to say hi and to see if I wanted to get out of my house for the day. I whimpered as I explained my nose situation to him. He told me he had a pair of wire cutters at home and that he would gladly cut the ring out for me.

Off to his house I went to get the damned ring out of my poor, rotting nostril. Once there, he had me lie down and turn my face so that the pierced side was exposed and accessible. As he cut away, I screamed profanities, dug my nails into his arm, and flailed my legs about as if independent from my body. It was not pretty.

Eureka! After about a minute or two of sheer terror and excruciating pain, the ring was cut and I could easily pull it out of my nose. Once I cleaned my nostril, cursed the sky, and harnessed my chi, I stared at myself in the mirror and replayed the scenario in my mind. I thought about how foolish and unsexy I must have looked in the eyes of this adorable boy. I chuckled to myself when I realized I was looking back at my own reflection. I mean, who else would be in this position but ME?

C’est la vie.